****UPDATE: WE ARE BACK TO LIMITED FACE TO FACE MEETINGS! Actually the meeting format is now a hybrid, there is space available in the Bottom Room for people to attend meetings face to face in a safe manner (limited number of people socially distanced) and in room Zoom capability is up and running. So our meetings can now accommodate in person and Zoom together. Information with the link to access the virtual meetings can be obtained from the meeting contact person.****
We hope you will find this a welcoming place to work for recovery!
Not sure you are in the right place? Take the following test and be as honest with yourself as you can in this moment:
- Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
- That you’d be better off if you didn’t keep “giving in”?
- That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
- Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
- Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can’t cope?
- Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
- Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
- Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
- Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
- Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
- Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?
- Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
- Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
- Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
- Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
- Do you lose time from work for it?
- Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
- Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
- Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
- Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?
If you answered YES to any of the above, you are in the right place.
We are a group of recovering sex addicts that believe that recovery as a whole is comprised of 5 legs or pillars which give us the tools, support, strength, and guidance that aid us in our recovery from our addiction and to stay in recovery. The pillars give us avenues to turn to for support and help to keep us sober.
Five Pillars of Recovery:
1) Come to meetings regularly and get connected with others in recovery.
2) Get a Sponsor. (More about how to do this later.)
3) Work the 12-Steps. (Working them with a sponsor is recommended.)
4) Work on one’s spiritual growth. (About developing one’s character and values.)
5) Get professional counseling if possible. (We are not a counseling service. We are addicts.)
Even though a newcomer, you are a vital link in the chain of recovery for all of us. Everyone has an opportunity to share with the group. You will hear others share their stories, experience and hope. Through our stories we come to understand we are not alone and there is hope for a better life ahead. Newcomers may find just listening to others the best way to gain understanding. We all come with many immediate urgent questions, and we are usually in the midst of a desperate crisis. We all come wanting
to know how to fix our problem right now. In time we will hear others share things that speak to those questions. For example, many start out desperately wanting to know how to just stop their addictive sexual behaviors, how to get sober. There is no one single answer, no silver bullet, no quick fix. But you will hear others share who have found their way into sexual sobriety, be it for one day or many years. It’s all achieved just one day at a time. Working the 12-Steps is the key. Starting out one might find it best to listen more, talk less; to help learn and ensure everyone has an opportunity to share. If you don’t understand our jargon, maybe ask someone after the meeting if need be. You’ll get the hang of it!
There are some standard practices that we have found helpful for our group’s well-being. These are best captured in our 12 Traditions. You will become familiar with these practices in time. For now, here are some beginning things to know.
1) Everyone here is just as focused on anonymity as you are. Anonymity is our spiritual foundation. Anonymity is more than only using first names: here, we are all equals, all addicts.
2) We all introduce ourselves by first name only and we acknowledge that we are sex addicts or “sexaholics”. (I.e., we can’t stop our addictive sexual behavior even though we want to, in spite of the very serious negative consequences our behavior brings upon us and others.)
3) We have very structured meeting formats that ensure respect for one another: we introduce ourselves each time we speak, only one person talks at a time, we do not go back and forth in a conversation between two people – we call that cross-talk. You’ll learn more about avoiding cross-talk and come to appreciate our tradition of mutual respect as you attend more meetings.
4) We cannot “fix” one another. We can only share our own experience, strength and hope from within our own recovery journey. We are not professional counselors. We cannot “fix” your marriage; sexual recovery may as easily end a marriage as restore one, it depends entirely on the individual’s situation. We cannot provide “marriage counseling”. We encourage sharing that begins with “I” or makes “me” statements; NOT for example, “Well, I think you need to …” We simply cannot fix one another. (“My” best thinking is what got me in this mess in the first place, I am almost certainly not the best source of wisdom for what someone else needs to be doing in their recovery.) This is one reason reading the literature is SO important.
5) There are many paradoxes in recovery: I am powerless, but solely responsible; there are no dues, but we pass the basket; and this IS a spiritual program, but not a religious one. Religion in recovery is a matter of personal choice. Our meetings include specific prayers and the 12-Steps depend on God or a Higher Power of our understanding. Yet, we have found that bringing more of our various religions into meetings is frequently counter-productive even for our own recovery and can be detrimental to the group unity. We try to keep our personal religious beliefs out of the meeting room. What is precious to one can be a source of deep resentment for another. (“If his religion was the fix for this, then why is he here?”) The 12-Steps ARE a Spiritual program of
recovery, but we are not affiliated with any religion. Agnostics and atheists also find recovery through the 12-Steps; all are welcome, and our meetings usually include a spectrum that includes these as well as the deeply religious. We do not use religious literature or quotations in our meetings. (Many have found that their religious beliefs and practices have changed through their recovery journey.)
Sponsors help us by being a ready contact as we face difficult challenges day-by-day. They are also very helpful with guidance in working through the steps. The sponsee/sponsor relationship requires a two-way level of trust that is difficult to establish after just the first couple of meetings. We encourage newcomers to attend regularly for a few months before deciding who they might want to ask to be their sponsor. Then, just ask them. A separate brochure discusses sponsorship more fully. We can offer temporary sponsors until such time as a more suitable connection develops. And be sure to have a call list, enter some of our numbers in your phone, and use them. Make the call!
We strongly encourage reading the SA and SAA literature available in the room. (Pamphlets are free, books and booklets are offered at-cost.) The more you channel your time into learning about recovery the better. And — if you are reading the literature, you are less likely to be acting out. Have some SA or
SAA literature handy at all times!
Both SA and SAA meetings are offered in our room at different times of the week. The literature explains the differences in the approach of these fellowships. The primary guide for SA is the White Book. The guide for SAA is the Green Book. These explain the approach of each and the different definitions of sexual sobriety used. Many of us have found using both SA and SAA literature helpful. We strongly encourage all newcomers to start reading one or the other of these two guides.
You will see and hear lots of slogans in our meetings. Don’t dismiss them – they embody a long history of collective recovery tools. One is called H.A.L.T. Avoid getting Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. These situations are known triggers for our acting out behaviors. You will learn to identify other triggers too.
The 12-Steps offer a spiritual solution sufficient for a changed lifestyle of continuous recovery.